Saturday, April 30, 2005

Bad Girl

I acted a fool this weekend at a "work party." Now I'm dying with shame and trying to recover.

Let me set the scene: I basically work with 2 people. One person I am in the office with every day, the other I see a couple times a week. 'Co-Worker,' as he will now be called, had a nice dinner for me, husband, boss, and 2 part time co workers and a gfriend. We were being all civilized and drinking wine while listening to records and chatting over the European cheeze platter.

What did I do? Get super drunk and act like that obnoxious co worker that no one wants to approach. I feel like Elaine from Seinfeld doing the horrible dance at the office party...and no one will tell her that it's gimpy! I started out the eve by downing a couple of glasses and then crying while 'c0-worker' was nice enough to toast me for a job well done at work. Cried in drunkenness. Then, as the evening wore on, I dumped a bottle of wine on the table, sloshed my bevs all over the floor (someone literally followed me around with a towel), danced to the same Temptations record 3 times even though people kept asking me to turn it off (no one else was really a fan), pulled an Alison and became obsessed with co worker's cats and would not leave them alone, convinced co-worker to roll up the rug and balroom dance with me (not a fan), and ended up crawling into co-worker's bed (faux pas, anyone?) to snooze while the party went on.

Then, when I woke up, I was convinced that I was so drunk that I couldn't see correctly anymore. I had actually lost a contact lens, but I was not coherent enough to know that at the time. So, I panicked and told Matt that I wanted to leave the party because I had no idea what I would do next and I didn't want to act any worse. So, we made a nice exit, me propped up on Matt's arm, squinting and slurring, saying goodbyes to all the normal people, then slinking out of the house in shame.

Argh! I hate it when no one else is as drunk as you are! I always get paranoid that people are looking at me funny and I freak out and try to hide in weird places, like a co worker's bedroom.

Sigh. Looking forward to Monday.

Friday, April 29, 2005

I'm Sorry, but Skorts Really are Not So Cool

Bear with me. It’s Friday and I don’t have a lot to do until quittin’ time. This may be long and pointless. Since I am a MENTAL GIANT, I decided make a list of a few things that have been bothering me since yesterday when I was driving through the rolling, burnt-down trailer littered hills of southern Indiana (it really was a beautiful drive, but the meth labs are ooc).

1.While driving the company car through said country hills (a Crown Victoria, natch), I had nothing to listen to but the radio, and this means nothing to listen to but country and Jesus chat…this came to a head when I heard a country song with the lyrics “We’re always lookin’ for love and somethin’ to please us/We either find it with drugs or with Jesus.” Hmm, kind thought there were other things along that spectrum, but maybe not. Good or bad; black or white. I think that’s kind of my problem with country music. It’s all so cut and dried and the lyrics are eerily straightforward. You either have the badass “boot in your ass guy” or the loving family man who wants to sing about the troops, his tractor and how he’s going to be a better husband and father. I’m waaay overgeneralizing (not a word, I know) here and I don’t know what I’m talking because I don’t really actually listen to the whole songs, just snippets as I’m scrolling up and down the dial. That’s my real point, actually. I’m just saying that’s what most of the country songs seem to be about to me.

Anyway, my ma point is that all that scrolling in broadcast wasteland makes you feel like you’ve hit the jackpot when you find a station that’s not playing country or Billy Graham. So there I was listening to and perhaps even enjoying, given the circumstances “Hanging by a Moment” by Lifehouse (desperate times call for desperate measures). Just as the song was wrapping up, I moved it on up to the next station and heard the end of White Lion’s “Wait.” Don’t you hate that? You’re listening to a pseudo lame song on the radio because you think there’s nothing else, but then you switch it up only to find you’ve missed one of the most rockinest tunes you forgot existed. In that case, ignorance truly is bliss. I’d rather not know I sat through some Marcy Playground song only to just barely miss some Fine Young Cannibals.

2.It was also not awesome when, on the phone the other day, my stepmom asked me if I wanted a pair of plaid skorts she just wasn’t ever going to wear. PEOPLE THAT ARE RELATED TO ME SHOULD KNOW ME BETTER. I think even some random person who just clicked on this blog for the first time and will never come back would probably be able to go 70-30 that I’m not a fan of skorts(!) or even worse, red plaid skorts meant for the golf course. SEMIRELATED:For some reason, this chick named Taffy has a site dedicated to the vile things.

See? Now typing that I feel sort of bitchy. There are countries where young women go without skorts, never knowing the style and freedom some pleated miniskirt/short combo could bring. I’m a spoiled brat! I thanked her for the offer but politely turned it down. How do you let someone know they’re so misguided without being rude in a situation like this…especially since you want to laugh/sob at the thought of your parents actually being able to conjure up images of you gallivanting around in some kicky skorts, a pair of denim Keds and maybe one of those jaunty Blossom hats. Damn, my life isn’t a Kotex commercial from 1992!

3.The word “whilst” kind of bugs me. At first, I saw it around here or there, charming its way around modern vernacular with its less popular buddies “mayhap” and “shant.” I thought, “How cute. Ne’er do wells across this great land are engaging in a little harmless vocabulary tomfoolery.” But the tomfoolery escalated into shenanigans and then reached critical mass at rabblerousing. Why does everyone think it’s so cool to use “whilst” all of the sudden? I know vintage décor and fashion could come into style, like say the mid century modern craze or the 70s boho look, but plucking an old-timey word from obscurity is a new one on me. I wonder if they’ll soon have T-shirts at Hot Topic that say things like: “Whilst on vacation at the dunes, all my grandma got me was this stupid T-shirt.”

Monday, April 25, 2005

Sometimes the Snow Comes Down in June (or late April)

Seriously, what the hell, weather? It's almost May and the Midwest getstons of snow dumped on its wide ass? And now it’s supposed to rain every day from here until Memorial Day? Chork!

Anyway, so I was sitting home alone watching TV last Friday night (shut up!) and I got lured into watching one of those boxed-set CD infomercials. Anyone remember my post on the old Prox about Monsta Jamz?

Well, at first I thought this was another damn Proactiv commercial because I saw Vanessa L. Williams pop up in a room full of soothing, earth-toned overstuffed furniture and flickering candles. I think the camera had an entire jar of Vaseline smeared on it to give ‘Nessa that special senior portrait glow (seriously, if she uses the Proactiv, does she really need that mess?). I was about to change the channel because I just couldn’t stomach a night home alone watching P. Diddy chat with Vanessa Williams about how he wouldn’t be the “superstar mogul” he is today with his horrible, terrible acne. In case you didn’t know, Diddy one of Proactiv’s new spokespeople.

But then this other lady scooted out and snuggled up to Vanessa on the couch and the songs started rolling up the screen. I was hooked, eyes glazed, mouth agape and drooling over this musical compliation known as the Ultimate Love Songs collection from, who else, the good people at Time Life.

Man, I want this CD. These songs are so cheesy good––“You’re the Inspiration” by Chicago, “Right Here Waiting” by Richard Marx, “Can’t Fight this Feeling” by REO Speedwagon, “These Dreams” by Heart––that song alone conjures up memories of cruising around with my mom in her brown 86 Toyota Celica. I really, really want this five-volume set to enjoy and appreciate in a completely earnest, irony-free way. Listening to Whitney Houston sing “The Greatest Love” (aww, remember when she wasn’t all cracked out?) brought back more than just memories of me knowing every word to that song and singing it at the top of my lungs on the way home from tap class. I’m not ashamed to say it might have yanked out some tears––the fact that I was sitting home alone a few glasses into a bottle of wine probably didn’t hurt either; let’s be honest.

But come on, guys! This CD is so cool! For everyone that lived in the dorms with me in college, I know you were wondering and yes it does, in fact, boast the Celine Dion hit “The Power of Love.”

The one sad meta moment came when I saw “The Best for Last” scroll by. Vanessa Williams is on the CD and she’s hosting the late-night infomercial. What happened to her career? I guess it’s a slippery slope from Radio Shack to Cher Station. Guess she didn't save the best for last.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Kiss the ring and watch my damn show!

Upon hearing news reports that Oprah and Steadman are finally maybe calling it ovah, my suspicion-o-meter starting pinging. Hmm, why did they break it off right now? Could it be Oprah wants to be single so she doesn't miss out on her once-in-a-lifetime chance to become Poprah Winfrey? Forget president, I can see it now. She relocates from the tip top of the Water Tower in Chicago to the Vatican, where she hosts her show for the entire tiny city. Her new book club top pick? The Bible, of course. Poprah's Favorite Things? Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. Oh yeah, and these super cool X-treme Jesus T-shirts, because nothing expresses the love Christianity is supposed to embody better than wearing a hoodie embalzoned with the phrase "My God can kick your god's butt."

I'd say we're all going to hell in a handbasket, but sometimes I think we're already there.

On a completely unrelated note, I have a question. Am I the only person who feels compelled to chain chew a pack of gum? It's like whenever I get my hands on a Plen-T-Pak, you can rest assured I'll have all 17 sticks in my mouth in a few hours. Doesn't a pack of gum last most normal people a week or something? Just wondering.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Friday Five

I am home today to do all of the paperwork I have been putting off for a week. Basically I had a crappy week, so I decided to make the Friday Five about the five reasons why I love Friday, should be pretty easy.

1. The most obvious reason, it is the end of the work week
2. It feels like 2 days; 1 day is a work day and the other is when you go out and it feels like a weekend day
3. You know you have three nights until the dreaded Monday
4. If you have a job like mine and you have worked 40 hours in 4 days, it can be a day off!
5. And lastly, for most jobs every other Friday is a payday and nothing bad can come of that.

And that's it!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Tell Me Once Again, Who's Bad?

Now, I haven’t been paying too much attention to the Michael Jackson trial and accompanying media circus, but as a mild and lazy headline writer myself, I noticed the glaring lack of awesome and puntasic headlines in relation to the trial. I mean, when a guy on trial for child molestation has song titles like ‘Dangerous,’ ‘Smooth Criminal’ and ‘Pretty Young Thing’ (heh), don’t you think we’d see some inspired headlines splashed across the tabloids? And when E! is broadcasting daily dramatizations of trial proceedings complete with an MJ impersonator, I don’t anyone can play the ‘respect for a fallen idol’ card. Let’s face it. Even though ’Wacko Jacko’ is pretty damn disrespectful, it’s also totally played and not even that original in the first place (Ooooh it rhymes!). It’s time for some new eyecatchers.

It’s not hard, copy editors! MJ’s entire catalog is ripe for the picking. I came up with these in about five minutes, so I’m sure these can be easily improved upon by anyone slightly clever:
Felony Complaint shows Neverland Guests ‘Wanna be Startin’ Something’
‘Remember the Time’ Jackson was creepily obsessed with Maculay Culkin?
‘Dirty Diana’ Ross Expected to Testify Next Week
Neverland Ranch raided; Stacks of pornography found ‘In the Closet’
Jackson Claims He and Children ‘Just Good Friends’
Jackson to Underage Neverland Guests: “’Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough’ Jesus Juice”
‘Do You Remember the Time’ Jackson Faced Similar Charges in 93?
Jackson’s Tendencies All Part of ‘Human Nature’ Says Attorney
Accuser to Jackson: ‘The Way You Make Me Feel’ is Totally Inappropriate
Jackson’s Huge Pornography Collection Taken ‘Off the Wall,’ Used as Evidence in Criminal Trial
Jackson to media: ‘Leave Me Alone’

You know there are endless possibilities with ‘Beat It,’ but I’m not going to even go there.

Related: Bid on the rare Michael Jackson Boy Scouts of America poster pictured above here. (Link and image via All Things Christie.)

Thursday, April 07, 2005

U Can't Touch This

One of the funnier things I've seen on the Net (starring Sandra Bullock):

But be sure to check out the whole site, Pictures of Walls, a gallery devoted to graffiti found and photographed all over the world. (via All Things Christie)

A Chill in the Air...

Despite having a crush on a guy in college who had this follecular monstrosity (who, by the way, totally turned out to be gay), I am SO GLAD the frosty tips are over.
Sitting through this:

To look like this...

is never worth it, not matter how cool you thought Mark McGrath was in the late 90s.

Speaking of Marky Mark and the Sugary bunch, in a way doesn't he kind of remind you of Hootie and the Blowfish? I think everyone referred to frontman Darius Rucker as Hootie, and I know I always thought McGrath was really named Sugar Ray. In the end I guess it doesn't matter because Hootie's really made a name for himself in a lovely Burger King commercial and Mark is smarming it up on EXTRA.

On a completley unrelated note, has anyone had the Rold Gold Honey Wheat pretzels? To die for!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I know I always talk about this, but.....

Ok, I know I always blog about my job, but damn its an interesting one. I have a new client who I met yesterday for the first time. I knocked on the door and said, "Is Suton home?" (pronounced Sut-ton) and he said, "my name is pronounced Su-ton" (rhymes with futon). MMMMMmmmm interesting name. Now, you should see this kid and I use the term "kid" lightly. He is at least 6 feet 4 and roughly the size of a football player with a lot of muscles. He also sports tattoos all over both arms and gold teeth on the top and bottom. Awesome.

Anyway, part of our intake paperwork is to ask them why they are involved with the system (yes, we have paperwork on them, but sometimes their answers are very different from the police reports.) So, I merrily ask him to tell me in his own words why he is on probation. He states and I quote, "My mom cut off my bracelet (the house arrest bracelet) so that I could leave the house, then I was riding in this car (stolen) and I was smoking a blunt and some cop decided to hassle me even though I wasn't doing anything." So, I then tell him that I read in the report he was smoking a blunt and tried to eat it when the cops came up. He said, "Yep, look at my tongue." It was all there except for a hole on the side where the blunt had apparently burned him and left a mark!

Wow, what is one to do with someone like this? He has been on probation since he was 10 and he is almost 17! His probation officer told me, "The youth's favorite activities are to steal cars and smoke marijuana" Well at least he keeps himself busy....

Monday, April 04, 2005

She's 25 and still sassy as ever...

Just wanted to remind all y'all at PTW that it's the matriarch of this blog's birthday today.

So let's raise our plastic solo cups of office water to the funniest woodland creature we know. Much love to you, Alison. Hope you're having a great day.

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