Friday, February 18, 2005

Dude, don't bogart the Friday Five

Forgive me if this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I’m just now crashing hard from a sugar high. See, I brought these dark chocolate mint candy things in today (they’re called After Eights). I was going to give them to this guy down the hall I need to interview because he won’t do the interview unless I bring him presents. Not even kidding. Well he isn’t here today, so I busted them out for lunch. I got the After Eights in my Christmas stocking, and seeing that they are dark chocolate, I thought they’d be grody to the max. Boy was I wrong. They’re SO AWESOME!!! Haha, I’m so glad Greedy didn’t come to work today! They’re like junior mints only super duper flat. I think I’ve eaten about 26 of them and I have a raging headache to prove it.

ANYWAY I had help out at a career day presentation at a way rural high school yesterday and I really didn’t enjoy getting the moves put on me by some acne-riddled Carhart-wearing, confederate flag waving FFA teens, but you know, them’s the breaks. Seriously, if I go out of my office and into the “community” I either get inappropriate remarks or chastised for not being married and great with child at the ripe old age of 24. It hit a low when I went to profile one of the guys at the plant and he told me he was so excited that I was coming, he put on clean underwear just for the occasion. Aww, now how’s that for appreciation? Send my performance bonus back, I don’t need it with feedback like this!

Days like these make me truly appreciate what I have. And I know, I know, Valentine’s day was waaay back on Monday, but my Friday Five goes out Ole Macky.

The Top 5 Reasons it’s Great to Date an Ex-Hippie

That’s right, my fella was once a full-on Phish tape collecting, patchouli stinking, Bonnaroo attending friend of Jerry. And I love him for it. Despite the haircut and current preference for indie rock and electronica, some vestiges still (and will probably always remain), but that’s just fine with me. Patagonia clothing? Check. Previous job in world music? Check. Weird hippie dance moves? Oh, you better believe it. Lest you get the impression of Ian/Ray from High Fidelity, here are my reasons without further ado:

5. The Random Factor. Mike is the friendliest ever. Years of camping out and chilling on festival show lawns have conditioned him to make friends with just about anyone in a bar. We can walk in, sit down, and it never fails. By the time we’ve been there for a half hour, we know everything about the person next to us from their childhood phobias to their laundry detergent preferences. Sometimes they’re a little crazy, so it’s like free live entertainment just for us.

4. Hardcore feminist/vegan ex-girlfriends make me look good. I’m not easy to live with, I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m moody, bossy and I need a lot of attention. But here are two things I’m not: 1. a picky eater 2. a big fan of chick rock. It seems to me most hippie chicks have pretty strict vegetarian/vegan diets that take extensive time/effort/expense to prepare. The also probably like to make these dishes while listening to Joni Mitchell or Ani DiFranco. Oh, did I mention that I like to make sweeping generalizations too? Sure, I like some female musicians (see Mirah in the sidebar), but only in strict moderation, and if it’s food and you put it in front of me, I’ll probably eat it. I don’t care what it is. These aren’t great attributes by any means, but hey maybe they make me seem low maintenance….maybe? Ok, I know this one’s a stretch but me not owning any Joni Mitchell probably makes Mike pretty happy at no effort on my part. And if I do feel the urge to bust out the Tori or Fiona once a year, it’s not going to really faze him.

3. Ex-Hippies are Pack Rats. Hippies may look down on earthly possessions, but from the camping gear to the thousands of bootleg tapes and CDs, Mike can’t say anything about my books or my shoes. He literally doesn’t have any room. We can both amass ridiculous collections in peace, with only a frustrated sigh at each other, fully aware that we’re both a part of the “too much damn crap in the house” problem.

2. He’ll never be a metrosexual. This is where dating the EX hippie is key. Mike’s a clean guy. He showers regularly and even steals my conditioner sometimes, but that’s as far as it goes. He has one bottle of hair product, some soap, toothpaste and deodorant. I love that when we go out of town, he just stuffs some extra boxers and a pair of socks into my bag and calls it a day. When he needs a trim, he breaks out the Wahl home cut and puts me to work. I never have push the bathroom door open in fear that I’ll find him exfoliating or using my pumice stone during a home pedicure sesh.

1. Ahh, the best for last. Shaving is optional. For me, that is (and I guess Mike too). Hippie ex girlfriends with hairy armpits have a hand in this one too. If I don’t shave my legs (or anywhere else) for a week, he really just doesn’t care. When I do, it’s like Christmas all over again. “Oooh, wow, you’re all smooth! You’re legs are sooooo soft!” It’s really nice. Instead of being all pissed because he feels like he’s entitled to have a lady with a magically hairless body, he’s appreciative of those days I take an extra few minutes in the shower with my Gilette. And as we all know from my days at the plant a little appreciation (and clean undies) go a long way.
Top 5 reasons why being married to a boy from vermont is awesome....

1. He is ready to go out in 5 minutes flat. I can call him at 6, he'll be home by 6:15 and ready to go at 6:20...that's just cool.

2. He never fails to think I look cute when I am all bundled up to go outside in the winter...(must be a vermont thing)

3. Vermont is all forward-thinking, so his mom actually taught him how to do household chores (the right way)

4. Because all there was for him to play with when he was little was a tractor, he is really good at fixing things

5. And lastly (this is like Alison's) The shaving thing. Paul is genunily happy when I shave my legs. He is never grossed out if I haven't shaved, its so awesome!
wow, mike sure is wonderful :)
Awww, how sweet. For the record (and this is very important to me as an ex-hippy), I never wore patchouli. Some things I was guilty of:

1. Eating many veggie burritos.
2. Over-using the word "Phatty"
3. Sneaking people into overcrowded campgrounds using the secret compartment in their '66 VW bus.
4. The unofficial hippy rite of passage: making my own patchwork pants (seriously, chut up)
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